Mansi Poddar- Trauma Informed Psychotherapist Working Globally

psychotherapist in India by Mansi Poddar

A 110 texts. 65 phone calls. Hate messages. Leave but don’t you dare leave. A sense of wordless desperation and pain that can only end if death arrives by will or by the sheer effort of not being left by him. Something has to give. Sprawled across the bed waiting for a response. It comes, a picture of a television screen, “Watching a game. Can’t talk”.

Her breath pauses. Her heart rate soars. She texts back, “Please don’t leave me and end this friendship. But you treat me pathetically. I hate you”.

She feels frozen. Are my feet my feet? Is my body inhibited by me? Who is this person who sold herself for a crumb of attention?

Most importantly she asks, “Why do I do this? What is this burning suffering over people who will never meet my emotional needs or hold them with care and grace?”

WHY AM I LIKE THIS?

Where does this level of pain come from?

Often people struggle with self-harm, deep emotional distress, fear of abandonment and rejection. Would eventually get a BPD diagnosis.

I don’t believe it is a “personality disorder” but rather a personality response.”

I tell clients - it’s childhood trauma as a verb. Trauma is interpersonal. It shows up in relationships. It’s relational wounding.

Children who were repeatedly abused/ had their emotions manipulated, gaslit or ignored never learn to handle emotions and often repeat relationships that mimic their primary abuse.

They have a desperate fear of rejection and abandonment because thats their primary wound - parents who never showed up emotionally.

A Look Inside Borderline Personality Disorder

A person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) has a lifelong pattern of unstable, unpredictable, and intense moods and relationships while being highly impulsive.

If you have BPD, your self-esteem and happiness are highly dependent on the people in your life.

To live with BPD is to live with intense pain and turmoil, perhaps on a daily basis.

You have love-hate relationships with just about everyone in your life at different times.

One moment you’re happy and enthusiastic; the next moment you’re upset and feel wronged or betrayed.

You tend to idealize your relationships only to devalue them soon after. (Psychology Today)

Today, she has learned to hold herself and validate her own emotions. She sees them as parts. Read more in my next writeup - I welcome a part-y, healing my child part.

Disclaimer- the narrations are not based on a particular persons life. They are the descriptions of how trauma and healing manifest in first person voice.

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